Holding On to the Holiday Vibe

Through blended families, bedside celebrations, and daughters building their own lives: The bittersweet fight to keep Christmas feeling like home.

I was never “The Christmas Guy”.

Oh sure, when I was a kid and believed in Santa Claus I loved it! Even when I found my mom’s hiding place for our Santa presents in her closet, I was still a big fan. As I crept into adulthood, it seemed more of a chore.

I did however appreciate the fact that everyone was less of an asshole around Christmastime.

When my kids were born, then Christmas took on a different meaning. It was all for them. Their mother was a HUGE FAN of Xmas and did everything to make the girls’ holiday a magical experience.

Kim made sure we weren’t social outcasts. She made plans with friends, acquaintances, and all I basically had to do was show up and make sure I made it through the occasion with a smile on my face.

Then we divorced.

Christmas became a logistical nightmare with dueling Xmas celebrations. I’m pretty sure it was hard on the girls, so we decided to be adults and have a joint celebration.

No matter what was going on, we were going to be grownups and have a merry Christmas, dammit!

That worked relatively well. Even when she remarried, I was still invited to Xmas. I thought the new husband was ok with it (he wasn’t)-but we all pretended everything was ok and celebrated the day.

Then she got sick. Her last Christmas she couldn’t even sit at the dinner table. But we still managed. I don’t think the girls thought that would be her last Christmas. I was probably not as optimistic.

After she passed, the responsibility for keeping the Christmas tradition fell to me by default. So the next few Christmases we celebrated at their grandmas house. (Kim’s mom) and that was our “new normal.”

This year grandma informed us that due to her health, she wasn’t having a celebration and couldn’t participate. She would have presents for the girls, but not to expect much, because she couldn’t.

I assumed that eventually the girls would have their own families and we wouldn’t spend every Christmas together, but not yet.

I called Chloe to see what dates she wanted to come down for Christmas and she seemed a little bit less than enthusiastic. But I got the plane tickets.

Audrey then asked if we were having a Christmas Eve (nochebuena) celebration, or Christmas Day one, because she was going to spend it with a friend.

I didn’t realize all of this hurt my feelings until I was telling my girlfriend about it and felt a wave of disappointment and sadness come over me and ended up in tears.

I realized I DO love Christmas! I love the family aspect of it. I love that people are nicer this time of year, I love the vibe in the air. All of it.

I sincerely wish everyone reading this a Merry Christmas!

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