The crushing weight of responsibility

A raw look at stress, uncertainty, and carrying more than your own fear.

Stress affects everybody, myself included. Even though I talk a lot about not giving in to fear, trusting God, and staying positive, the truth is, sometimes life still gets to you.

A little while ago, I found a lump in my neck that grew pretty quickly. At first, I thought maybe it was just an inflamed lymph node or something like that. I did a few sessions of electro-lymphatic therapy to see if we could get things moving again.

That didn’t really fix it, so I finally agreed to get it checked out. They ran tests, and eventually the diagnosis came back: cancer.

I’ve always said that if I ever got sick like that, I’d want to start with the natural route first. I’ve seen family members, close friends, and clients get hurt more by the treatments than by the disease itself.

But here’s what I didn’t fully think through: the impact on the people around you.

My daughters lost their mother to cancer about seven years ago, so just hearing that news from me was traumatic for them all over again.

Christi, my fiancée, immediately went into action mode, which is exactly what she does. She starts looking at everything from every angle, trying to figure out every possible outcome and every possible path forward.

She wants me to follow the plan she has carefully researched. I don’t. That’s causing tension in our relationship. She says she will respect my wishes no matter what, but I can still feel her disappointment.

My staff at the office and my clients all look at me with that same expression — concern, pity, all of it — and honestly, I hate that.

So is it selfish for me not to want to follow the standard protocol?

Ever since I was officially diagnosed, the whole machine has kicked in. I’m getting calls and referrals from oncology centers, diagnostic labs, imaging centers — people calling from everywhere.

I can see how easy it would be to get swept up in all of it. I’m pretty sure I signed something in the fine print on one of those visits that gave them permission to start sharing my information with all these institutions.

Honestly, it feels a lot like when you request an insurance quote from an “independent” app — suddenly everybody is calling and messaging you nonstop.

I want to make my own choices.

Is that selfish?

It’s stressful, no question.

I’ve also been stressed about cash flow. Business is good, but I just invested in something I’m not really liquid in yet.

And I’ve been paying out of pocket for all of my medical care. I know that might sound crazy to people who don’t live in a chiropractic or natural-health world, but the last time I went to an MD for anything “routine” was more than 20 years ago.

I’m not saying I never get symptoms or anything like that. I just usually let my body handle things naturally.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m putting all of this out there, because I really don’t want sympathy. But writing has been therapeutic for me, so maybe I’m just trying to sort through it in real time.

I feel like I need to stay positive if I want to get healthy, but I also want to make sure Christi, Chloe, Audrey, and Forrest are taken care of if I don’t.

So if you’re reading this and starting to look at me in that “certain way,” don’t.

I’m an empath. I feel things deeply. So if you want to lighten the mood, tell me a dirty joke. I’d appreciate that — something funny enough to make me laugh, not cringe.

Live long and prosper,
Dan

---

Thanks for reading. This post is public, so feel free to share it.